Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.