Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.