“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.