talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Called it
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
All food is good if you spell it wrong