My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?