The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.