Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
A French press is when you hug naked
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.