wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I didn’t come here to be called names
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Brands during Pride
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?