Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said