Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Europe. Made in Germany.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.