Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
You Might Also Like
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
are there any atheist mantises?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Sniffing the broccoli
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”