7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Confused owl: What?!
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My favorite farside!!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are