[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.