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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Always a metermaid never a meter
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.