To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?