Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
my favorite genre of twitter
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.