Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Ugh but profoundly
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!