My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.