Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
and now we wait
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.