I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.