Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old