“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
you have three unread messages
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Great Canadian literature.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.