Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this