The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.