Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here