You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
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Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.