Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Well, shit
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
and now we wait
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
This hospital has everything
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade