Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?