We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please