I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I think I’m having a stroke
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?