Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.