Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks