Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.