some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Watermelon Boss!
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle