Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”