Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You Might Also Like
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.