[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Milk Cube
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here