All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext