This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
them: what鈥檇 you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
incredible
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what鈥檚 causing the weird smell in the kitchen
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Does it鈥oes it take 3 days
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That鈥檇 be terrible for you.
4: Mom鈥檚 not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
As an adult you should already know shit like if you鈥檙e standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you鈥檙e standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Stick it to the man
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.