My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.