i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Dishonest mechanic?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: