can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
You Might Also Like
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.