Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.