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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Anyone want a chair?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background