People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Spell check is for lasers.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“you changed” bro i was 15
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”