i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
hackers play passwordle
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours