Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?