Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?