FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Uh oh…
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”