Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
crochet youtube is brutal
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters